Diaries of Madness
by CylaF
Summary: The characters of Zelda keep journals that grow steadily more unhinged. [New chapter! Dark Link gets a job] This makes no sense.
1. Ganondorf keeps a diary

_This is Ganondorf's personal diary. If you are reading this and are not Ganondorf or one of Ganondorf's many other physical manifestations, you will be boiled alive over a slow fire. Thank you._

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_May tenth_

Rose from the dead today. Of course I was never dead to begin with, really. Just trapped in a circle of flame with my robes flapping._ That_ got old fast, I can tell you. Why were they flapping? Was there wind? Or was it just the Sages' way of taunting me a little more? It's enough that they wont let me enslave the entire country and spread darkness over all eternity: now they have to give me annoying garments! What kind of beings _are_ these Sages?

Aside from that, rising from the dead is an awful bore. All the dark mutterings and the relentless homage paid by mindless servants, groveling, groveling, groveling. For once, I'd like to see a mindless servant _not_ crawl in, bowing so low that his head scrapes the tiles. My linoleum dining room is ruined, to say the least.

_May twelfth_

I am currently working on my **DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA** again, which has run into a rather unfortunate snag. Every time I come up with a DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA, it seems that ridiculously dressed Hero of Time shows up out of nowhere, bearing not only the Ocarina of Time, but the Song of Time, the Tunic of Time, the Slightly Uncomfortable Hot Green Tights of Time, and who knows what else—ah, yes, the Master Sword. I suppose that one isn't lucky enough to be part of the Time series…that's probably why it is wielded by a mute elf wearing a dress.

A dress! I have an idea! What a foolproof plan! My new DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA is going to be: Kidnap Princess Zelda, come up with elaborate dungeons that will drive Link to the brink of insanity (And I to the brink of bankruptcy, but it is worth it) and when the two lovebirds meet, (as is their wont) I will throw a BALL OF LIGHT at Link, which he obviously can just send back to me by hitting it with his sword, but he is too stupid to notice that, of course. WHAT GENIUS! Now I am all a tizzy with excitement. I must go play piano now.

_May Twentieth_

Had dinner with Dark Link today. Surprising to notice how much has gone on between my visits. I suddenly feel unclean.

_May Twenty-ninth_

I have been trying to write my memoir again, but I am still stuck at my birth. How could I even exist, logically speaking, if all of the Gerudo are women? Is it some form of—wait, I don't want to think about that. I DON'T want to think about that, dear Goddesses, now I need to take a shower again. Excuse me.

Back. Will kidnap the princess tomorrow. Screw formality. I'm sick of making dungeons anyways. I'll just cover the entrance hall with mousetraps and catch the Hero of Time that way.

Ta!


	2. The Diary Continues

_This is the personal diary of Ganondorf, evil king supreme. If you are not Ganondorf, or one of his physical manifestations, and you are reading this, you will be fed to wild ferrets.

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_

_June fourteenth_

I believe there is a spy somewhere in my midst. One of my minions (no longer _loyal _minions, I note) has been acting in a manner I find slightly suspicious. For example, he is always running off to release pigeons from the window every time I reveal another part of my DARK EVIL PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHA. What the hell does he need to do that for? Maybe the pigeons are actually origami paper airplanes that he sends to the Castle in Hyrule. Certainly those ridiculous winged rats wouldn't be able to deliver _messages._ What a laugh.

He is also sneaking around all the time, which is understandable, as the essence of an evil being of darkness is to sneak, but this sneaking is decidedly sneakier. Sneaky is a strange word. It reminds me of the sound of a swiffer mop without the spongey thing at the bottom. I also caught him sighing over a picture of Princess Zelda and murmuring about plans to take me down.

I am starting to become concerned.

_June sixteenth_

The mouse traps didn't work. Who would have thought the Hero of Time would come to acquire a hookshot? Isn't that against the rules or something?

Now I must bandage this gaping wound in my side. Damn that Master Sword.

_June twentieth_

I am still concerned about the fact that Link did not rescue the princess. He outwitted the mousetraps, slew many expendable evil minions, went to the bathroom, then left. Princess Zelda is still stuck in the pink crystal above my piano. I believe someone needs to feed her soon, or something, because she is currently under the impression that she is a rabid chipmunk.

It is actually rather amusing.


	3. Zelda the Rabid Chipmunk

_Attention all. This is the diary of the captive, charming but sickeningly annoying Princess Zelda. On a personal note, I think she should stop whining and save her own butt sometimes. But that would take away the funny, so here goes. Zelda goes nuts.

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_June Seventeenth_

Oh, Link, save me from this pinkish hued nightmare! I only just found this diary in my pocket. How it got there, I shall never know, but I shall write all the same, in hopes of sending a telepathic message to the Hero who I know will come.

Linklinklinklinklinklink Zelda+Link Link+ Zelda 4-ever Prince Link and Princess Zelda Zelda n Link love lasting forever yo homies wassup chillin in da crib with mah homeboy Link who needs to GET OFF HIS BUTT and save meeee

_It isn't working._

Yet I worry about being enclosed in a pink crystal. Whatever shall I eat? All I see below me are evil minions, or the evil king Ganondorf playing piano. Oh, Link, save me!

_June Eighteenth_

Linkhearts Zelda

Zeldahearts Link

Why won't he save me, the little (bad words that most princesses aren't born knowing)

_June Twentieth_

Fooooooooood. Must have fooooooooooood. Walnuts would be nice. Why do I like walnuts so much? Maybe I have some psychic connection to chipmunks---no, maybe I _am_ a chipmunk---yes, that's it! Curse you, father, for never telling me! No wonder mother had such chubby cheeks. I must find my chipmunk-y brethren and convince them to gnaw through the crystal! Then we shall roam free throughout hyrule and slaughter all owls! Hahahahahahahaha! And I shall bite Link's face off for not saving me.

I need walnuts. _NOW._

_June Twenty-second_

Walnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnutswalnuts.

_June Twenty-ninth_

None of that happened. Do you understand, diary? _None of it._ I was suffering from a hallucination at the time, that's all. However, I suppose I must tell you how I managed to escape from Ganon's castle.

You see, I suddenly remembered, while searching for walnuts, that I have magic. So, why couldn't I just break the glass, cushion my fall, and steal all the walnuts from Ganon's pantry? Well, that I did. Of course, first I had to give that evil king a piece of my mind. He won't be able to walk properly for days. (these high heeled shoes are wicked sharp…)

Now to implement my plan to rid the world of owls---I mean, to restore Hyrule….


	4. The Hero of Time Gets a Whoopin'

Ok, these diary bits are short, but thats how it is, I think. Anyways, the bit with the owl is put in there partly because of a review (you know who you are, reviewer who's name I am too lazy to look up at the moment) and party because that owl needs to be broiled over a nice crispy fire.

Enjoy.

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_This is the Diary of Link, the Celebrated Hero of Time. Feel free to worship.

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_

_June Twenty-ninth_

Zelda bit me today. No, not in the way you'd think, dear journal. This was a much more different and disturbing thing altogether. I was walking through Hyrule field, contemplating on the possibility of life without Navi, when Zelda popped up out of nowhere and bit me on the nose.

Should I be worried?

Another strange thing happened today, now that I mention it. I heard, through a friend from Lake Hylia, that Kaepora Gaebora was found nursing an injured wing on his usual roost in the center of the lake. I can't say I am not upset…it is very troubling that the person able enough to injure that bird didn't take it down completely. Oh, no, now Navi is making a fuss again. Stupid fairy, reading over my shoulder all the time.

_June Thirtieth_

I was thinking about Saria today. Oh, I love Saria. Her green hair, so lovely and fresh looking. Her skin, like the flesh of a newly baked peanut butter cookie. Cookies. Oooh, cookies. I love cookies. I wonder if Saria has any. I bet she can cook too, just like her really, a girl of all trades. Oh, Saria, my darli— SARIA IS UCKY AND SMELLS LIKE POTATOES

NAVI! Dear Gods, that fairy is annoying. Now she has ruined the entire page! I must start afresh.

Oh, Saria, how I love the— POTATOES POTATOES

Damn you, Navi!

_July First_

I must admit, that Navi is getting on my last nerve. All the time, everywhere I go, it is _"Look, look look, Listen, listen listen, Hey, hey hey!"_ And all of the snide comments about Saria, Malon, Ruto, and Zelda! Honestly! Can't the girl give a man a moment's rest? But no, no, no, now I am stuck with a hyperactive glowing _fuzzball_ bapping my forehead every five minutes. And yes, Navi, in case you are reading this, I DID call you a fuzzball. So there.

_July Second_

I sure showed him, that stupid elf princeling, lording his superior height over me like some….some….tall….person…thing... Yeah. Well, HE won't be able to write in THIS diary for a long time. Or walk. Or even breathe properly. A fuzzball? _I'll show you fuzzball!_

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHA

HAHAHA

MUAHA

Ha

Fear me.


	5. Dark Link Works at Walmart

Meh. This isn't very good. Feel free to skip over this chapter, if you want. I'm going back to Ganondorf's diaries after this, because (for some odd reason) I find him easier to connect to , in a morbid, Dark-Lord-Of-Evil sort of way.

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_Warning: This is the journal of Dark Link. If you find this, kindly return it so said Dark Link can remove your spleen, liver, and left lung in the most humane way possible. Thank you._

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_July Seventh_

Today I realized that I am out of food.

How did that happen? Why do I even need food anyways? It isn't like I have a digestive system. Food is overrated. Especially cheez-doodles. Nasty, packaged blobs of cheese and that light fluffy stuff that sticks to your teeth and makes you want to disembowel a villager or three. Speaking of disemboweling…

Note to self: Make sure to check up on prisoners in basement once a week. The smell is that hard to get out of the carpet.

_July Eighth_

Second day of cheez-doodle fast. Dear Gods, how can someone survive without those things? But…I have no money…maybe I shouldn't have spent it all on those iron shackles. On an optimistic note, I killed an owl today, but his head won't stop spinning.

_July Tenth_

Today is a bright day, a light day, a day of evil. And not the good kind of evil, either. I, Shadow, Dark Link, the Scourge of All That is Fluffy and Cute, have acquired a job.

First I looked through the newspaper to see my prospects, but there was no opening for a torturer, a hangman, a blight-to-good-nature, or anything of that sort. So I signed up to be a "cashier" at "Wal-mart." That sounds decidedly evil.

_July Eleventh_

What do they MEAN, I have to say "Have a nice day?" I REFUSE to wish good will on others! Why do I want them to have a nice day? I don't want them to be happy, I want to see them writhe in agony and intense pain until I see fit to pull out their organs with a spoon. So when I told them so, who do you think got on my case about it? That tall, pimply, greasy haired man they call a "manager!" Pah! And if he tells me to put on that blasted frock or remove the animal carcasses from the overhead gum rack, I'm going to rip out his ears with a wrench.

_July Twelfth_

I have a new collection of ears now. It made me quite amused.

_July Thirteenth_

Screw responsible work. I broke open the cash register and stuffed what I wanted into my pockets. When my last customer asked (in that nasal, lordly tone, too) if I could "wait a minute" while she ran ACROSS the store to get a bag of chips, I pulled her up by the collar, forced my eyes to glow demonically, and tied her to the smiley face hanging up over the main door. I left the dead owl (whose head has yet to stop spinning) on the scanner, and stormed out the doors surrounded by a cloud of darkness. It was glorious.

Second Note to Self: When setting a building on fire, stay away from the card section. The fumes are oddly attracting.


End file.
